Once upon a time, there was always a feeling in my heart that I owed something to others. This feeling puzzled me for a long time.. In the cold and lonely rainy night of Jinhua Middle School, I stayed up all night and pondered hard. I came to the conclusion that a promise I made to myself had not been fulfilled a long time ago.. Moreover, this wish continues to grow and expand with the growth of knowledge and the broadening of horizon.. So on the one hand, it is an expanding desire, and on the other hand, it is an ability and a result that have not seen any growth. A pair of contradictory struggles have stirred me to sleep and eat.. A worthless man will always find a reason to release himself easily. I confess to myself with the’ no talent, no diligence’, and I will end up with that wish hastily in the end..     But people always have a little desire to live. I have a new wish from my daily work, that is, to be a good teacher. With this wish, immediate results have been achieved. Starting with the recognition of colleagues, students and parents, my pursuit and confidence in this wish have been pushed to the extreme in the form of advanced individuals in the county education system, outstanding class teachers commended by the county party committee government, outstanding teachers from poor areas jointly commended by Ningxia and Fujian Provincial Education Commission, etc.. Along this road, my wish to be a good teacher may come true. Because I saw my growing stature from the childlike and sincere eyes of my students, I saw approval and expectation from the eyes of those poor farmers who were only honest.     Later changes and a series of serious consequences caused by them were attributed to writing a material for the school. In fact, this is not the root cause. The most fundamental reason is that I lack the patience to be a teacher and the insistence on my own wishes – so far, I just know what a test boring and long-term obscurity is for people – I have not stood such a test.. I want to stand out, I want to jump out of the many others who seem a bit obscene and sloppy.. This is the reason why I took over the writing of the material and made every effort to write it enough to make people sit up and take notice of me..     The next road, I know it is a road that can never go to the head. I will not even find myself along that road, but on the one hand, I will be under intense pressure and pressure, on the other hand, I will try my best to gain a living status in front of a group of new leaders and colleagues, and of course, I will also have vulgar ideas to show my skill.. Now that I think about it, this is a road that caters to people’s own bad habits, because it seems very smooth from the start. In that small school, because the principal made a series of remarks in front of all the teachers and students in his cadence and forceful tone, he expounded a series of thoughts and views on education in depth, and at the same time, I gained a reputation for being fully implemented by the teachers and students.. The principal has been fully expounded, played and rendered as a complete theory of school management because of his monolingual viewpoint. He appears very satisfied and appreciates me.. However, my colleagues’ private comments and their half-assed approval in the face of me once made me feel high.     Vanity is common to everyone, but in me it is a gentle trap. In applause, I step by step walk into this trap and never extricate myself.. I have repeatedly said to others that I am indifferent to fame and fortune.. Maybe I really didn’t do anything for the profits of the fly, but I definitely worked hard for the false ” name”.     Finally, I am tired of all this, because it is not my ideal, my thought, or my point of view that a word is written into my official documents.. It looks like such a grandiose text, even my sentence in class is not as good as the jokes of my classmates – I have never met anyone who regards writing materials as his lifelong career. So, is this my business?     I thought of looking back and returning to my starting point as a teacher who can give students correct guidance and respect, or relying on my ability to keep writing diary for more than ten years and starting point as a third-rate writer … but it’s too late, and no leader is willing to let such a good material’ writer’ become a teacher. Too much material thinking has destroyed a few artistic cells, and my language has only been analyzed from now on by dry lines, principles and policies without emotional and poetic soul being exposed..     Desire is crushed and trampled into dirty soil, false glory is a flash in the pan, and does not bring any bright colors. What will my life be supported by??     The life of walking dead and walking flesh will be very simple, that is to go with the flow, that is to follow the same line. I will do what others do and I will do what others say. I left the platform and left the land where I had lived for 40 years and struggled for 20 years..     Here, I have nothing left.     In other people’s eyes, it is a dull potato that has just been dug out of Lund’s barren soil. It is staring at this world with timidly eyes, which is extremely wonderful and rich a bit too much.. In his own eyes, the whole body is a vast and bottomless water area full of turbid currents, where he is, where he is rooted and where he sends his seedlings.. People who have been busy all day for money were once very humble and thought their pursuit was too tacky.. Today, I suddenly feel that I am not even as good as these people. After all, their busyness has a purpose. My busyness doesn’t even have such a tacky purpose..     In history, in books and in reality, some people died because they were mediocre. Some people are willing to be mediocre because they have no ambition. Some people are depressed and withering because of their ambitions, and they have gone to the opposite side of their past, and have fallen from grace to grace … Ah, life is not only a mass of flesh and blood that can sleep, have joys and sorrows, live, die and die, but also a constant desire to shed tears and shed blood for it. This desire is called ideal..     Without this wish, you will be mediocre like me, looking around in a daze, with no fixed point in your heart and drifting like duckweed.. With this wish, a new sun will rise every day. Every breath will bring fragrance to the world and struggle to blossom. That is a brilliant spring!